Everything You Need to Know About Co-Dependancy

What is co-dependency?
It's a term that started in the 1950's in the treatment of alcoholism. Addiction therapists became aware of a unique dynamic between their addicted patient and their partner or family members that enabled the addiction further. Today, the term has been expanded as it can become part of any relationship. More people are becoming aware of it, but even a standard definition can leave out the nuances present in the different kinds of co-dependent relationships, whether in a romantic relationship or within a family.

Simply put, co-dependency is an unhealthy behavioral dynamic between two individuals where one person is dependent on the other for things like their emotional needs, validation, money, or even help around the house, while the other person unconsciously enables this behavior because they need that feeling of being relied on, regardless of how reliable they actually are. Hence, co-dependency.

One person needs, and the other needs to be needed. 

This is a sneaky relationship dynamic that most people will live in for years before they realize that something is wrong. It's difficult to see outside of it when you're in it. If one person in a couple struggles with depression or addiction and the other, while unhappy with their condition, keeps enabling them by bringing them alcohol or drugs, or making it so the depressed individual has no choice but to rely on them for any sort of support, both sides are stuck in a dangerous loop. This can also happen with parents and children. A parent may have unconsciously never taught their child how to do basic adult functions, and so by the time the child is an adult, they are helpless. But instead of teaching the adult child how to be independent and self-reliant, the parent keeps doing things for them instead of showing them how, because deep down they need to feel needed by the child, and if they were capable of functioning on their own, the parent would feel useless. 

Again, this is mostly unconscious behavior. And because of that, even when one or both sides of the relationship keep perpetuating the cycle, it can cause conflict and suffering. The depressed partner may try to reach out and do something about their mental health situation, but the other partner, in an unconscious fear of no longer being needed, may fight with them and put them down about their illness or isolate them from friends. The parent may get mad at their child and put them down for not knowing how to do something around the house or navigate the bureaucracy of health care or the DMV, but they still do everything for their child instead of showing them how. 

As you can imagine, even both people love and care for each other, this dynamic is exhausting, unhealthy, and can even lead to abuse. People who were raised by co-dependent parents or stuck in co-dependent romantic relationship for a long time often develop low self-esteem, anxiety, and people-pleasing complexes that trap them into repeating this pattern. If you think you may be in a co-dependent relationship, you are not alone. The first step is seeking counseling.